How Can You Start Saying “No” More

Are you saying “yes” all the time and getting burnt out? Do you find yourself saying yes to things and then wishing you hadn’t? Or procrastinating after you’ve already said “yes”, dragging yourself to do the thing you now don’t want to? If this sounds like you, you might be someone who struggles with saying “no” and having healthy boundaries for yourself. You might be wondering, “How do you say no?”

Having healthy boundaries and being able to say “no” is so important for your mental, emotional and physical health. When we overcommit ourselves. To tasks and people because we “don’t want to let them down” or we’re “scared of what they’ll think of us”, this creates an expectation in ourselves that we can’t ever say no. When we have that expectation of ourselves, we then will feel like it’s “wrong” or “bad” to say anything but yes. We are also telling ourselves “your desires and needs are not as important as others.” It makes sense then why we would think it’s bad to think highly of ourselves or to put ourselves first.

What Happens When We Do Say No?

So you know you can learn how to say no more, but what happens when you do say no? Will the other person get upset? Or will it create more drama in the relationship? Maybe, there may be a big reaction from others when you start saying no. Especially if they’ve learned that you are the person they can rely on to always say yes. But guess what, their reaction has nothing to do with you as an individual. It says nothing about who you are as a person. It doesn’t say anything about how much you love or don’t love that person. And it’s most often times not personal when you say no. You saying no is you protecting and standing up for yourself. It’s you telling yourself “I’m important too.”

Does that mean the other person is not important? Absolutely not. And there is a way to tell someone no while also telling them how much you value them as a person. But even if you said no without any explanation and without speaking about your value for the other person, that’s still okay. Any reaction they have is not yours to take care of. It is 100%, not your responsibility. Now if you were rude and hurt them, that’s different. But just you saying “Sorry, I can’t make time for that this week” or “No thank you” is totally okay.

Old Patterns Run Strong

Typically if you really struggle with a way of thinking, it is because your younger self was either told a lie by someone you respected and believed, or you assumed the lie based on the circumstances you were in. So if you truly struggle with saying no to people and you are wanting to see actual change, you can take a look back over your life and pinpoint the times when you were told, either verbally or not, “you can’t say no or you are a bad person”.

The younger you can find when that lie was attached to you, the closer you’ll be to the root of your issue of not being able to say no. When you find that memory or the root, you can identify where it came in and why you believed it as truth. You can then bring in, in an imagination of the memory, a trusted adult or your current self to bring a voice of truth. Telling your younger self “I understand that it feels like you can’t say no here. It’s actually okay for you to say no to this person or this circumstance.”

You can also ask “Do you feel comfortable enough to say no?”. If the answer is yes, allow her to do so. If the answer is no, ask her if she wants you to say no for her. Listen to her fears and address what feels terrifying or unsure to her. It’s normal for big emotions or big statements like “If I say no, this person is going to get angry” or “they won’t like me anymore if I say no.”

You Can Change The Pattern

When these lies come up, that is totally normal. These big declarations are most likely the continual message your younger self heard over and over again. These messages expose the cycles of pain your younger self had most likely experienced often. This is important to note because that is the reason you are currently struggling as an adult. Those lies are still running the show. The message that wasn’t truth hasn’t been properly addressed and now, that lie is the thing your brain is looking to prove as true in every new scenario.

But, you can change the pattern. This is why bringing in your older self to change the narrative is crucial. Bringing in the truth to her, telling her she is safe and that you are on her team, and telling her that it’s important for her to learn how and when to say no is so valuable. For you and for her. I have a guide that goes a little more in-depth on this, you can grab it here!

This is the process of reintegrating your younger self into your adult self. When we experience trauma or our fight, flight, or freeze is triggered, we get stuck in those moments until there is redemption. There is a split that takes place. This split remains and only grows as we get older because that “prover” part of your brain is constantly adding new experiences to validate those old messages.

That’s why many people struggle to understand and see their younger selves as sweet or amazing. The split causes them to not be able to connect continually with past moments in their lives. Bringing integration and healing those younger parts of ourselves bridges the gaps where the splits took place. This is why something so simple as saying no can seem so hard.

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Also, If you’re looking for resources, I have a basic step-by-step guide here on how to unpack triggers and connect with your heart.

If you are wanting to learn how to process pain and want to start a healing process for yourself, I am offering one-on-one coaching sessions. These sessions will help in learning how to process pain in a healthy way that actually brings lasting change and self-confidence.

I’m also creating a course that goes into the depths of all this as well. The course will take you step-by-step in how to walk through a healing journey. You will get live group coaching calls, a community of support, and one-on-one coaching with me. Also, subscribe to my email list to get updates for when the course is launched! If you have questions about anything, please reach out! I would love to chat with you via email.

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