What does holding space for yourself to feel look like? All the swirling emotions, the crazy thoughts that go on in your head, do you allow yourself a safe space to express those?

This is such an important piece in our process as humans. It’s so easy to get into the flow of life and forget to feel. Big changes happen, plans change, relationships shift, and we just “move on”. But what if we chose to actually sit with the big changes. What if we gave ourselves space to be sad and disappointment and even angry? How would that change the way we see ourselves and relate to others?

Feel The Emotions

Emotions are not fun sometimes. Especially when they come with ugly thoughts. Which I can tell you, most big emotions come with big thoughts. That’s why they often feel so scary. When we face our feelings, we face the narratives we are telling ourselves. Sometimes those narratives are based in how we saw things growing up. Sometimes they are based on our current viewpoints on life and relationships. And often times they are the ugliest part of being in process.

But it’s important to know that having differing thoughts and feelings is okay and completely normal. Every person at some point experiences opposing thoughts. It’s when we grapple with those thoughts and feeling that we truly discover who we are and what we want. It’s okay to have a thought of not wanting to be near someone but also really wanting connection with them. Understanding why you have space but also wishing there wasn’t space. It’s okay to want to be ahead but not knowing how to get there and feeling frustrated and sad about both.

When we choose to ignore and “move on” too quickly from our thoughts and feelings, they don’t simply go away. They linger and affect how we make choices going forward. If we are scared, but we don’t address the fear that’s underneath what we are doing, our bodies get agitated and frustrated with us. We might feel more tired, we might isolate more, or point fingers at others for causing our anger. When in reality our bodies are just trying to tell us they need to be seen and heard.

Our Bodies Hold Memory

Our bodies will hold on to emotions until there is a release. The problem with holding onto emotions and not giving ourselves space to feel them, is that the emotions just keep piling and building up. Until one day they explode. This might look like exploding on your friend when they don’t do something exactly how you like. Or getting really angry at your spouse for forgetting to do something you’ve asked them to do multiple times.

Our anger is a red alarm for “I’ve held something in for too long and now i’m going crazy!” It’s a cry for help, our body telling us it needs to feel seen and heard by us or someone we feel safe with. If we choose to address the emotions as they come up, we are choosing to allow ourselves to be heard and seen as the need comes up, rather than only doing it when it’s urgent.

Addressing The Emotion Before It’s Too Late

So how do we give ourselves space to feel and be heard and seen before it’s too late? Something that I’ve been practicing is checking in with myself. I’ll ask my heart questions like “heart, how are feeling?” “Is there anything you want me to know”, “do you feel heard by me?”

Some red flags for me are when I’m getting easily stressed, or staying in a state of stress for a long period of time. Another red flag is irritability. Have I been noticing I’m getting more easily frustrated with small things, like my computer not working, or the plate falling our of the cupboard, or the door hitting me on my way out. If little things are setting me off, that’s a good indicator that I need some love.

For me, giving myself space to feel can look like choosing to sit with myself and ask good questions. When I first started doing this, the common questions I asked myself were “What am I feeling, why am I feeling this way/what happened to cause this emotion, and what do I need to feel safe again?”

I had a list of feelings that I would turn to and I would pick three big emotions that I was feeling in the moment. I would then get curious about one of those feelings. “You’re feeling scared, what are you feeling scared about?” and then I would listen. Often times the first thing I heard was exactly what I was feeling inside.

The goal is to stay curious and choose to love yourself through the big feelings. Sometimes what you hear might not make sense to your adult brain. If that’s the case, you are most likely experiencing a trigger moment. A trigger is an emotional flashback into another time where you have unresolved pain, and a current moment is triggering a memory of that pain. When you’re in a trigger, you are normally functioning as a younger part of you. If you feel really small, you most likely are.

Validating The Emotion

When you hear an answer about why you’re are feeling what you’re feeling, the next step is to validate the emotion. This can sound like, “You feel really scared because you’re not sure what step to take next. That feels really big and scary to not know. It’s okay to feel scared and not know what to do next. Sometimes I don’t know how to move forward and I need others to step in and help. Is there someone you can ask to help you in this?”

Doing this gives yourself reassurance that it is okay to feel what you’re feeling and it’s also okay to ask for help. Whether that looks like calling a friend, or booking a counseling appointment, you now have a next step and can meet the need behind the big emotion.

Meeting The Need

Figuring out what you need can be a challenge at first, especially if you were taught to avoid your needs. It can feel like you’re not allowed to have needs, but I’m here to tell you, you absolutely can have needs and in fact, you have needs regardless of it you want them or not.

Meeting our basic needs like food, water, sleep and connection are important for normal human functioning. But what about those deeper needs, like feeling seen and known and safe with others? What about being heard, and taught, and valued? Are you getting those needs met on a regular basis?

What I’ve found is that we have the capacity to meet those needs ourselves. We can see and value and hear ourselves and it can actually be life giving. Is that the only way to get those needs met? Of course not, we always need people, we are not meant to do life alone.

But, if you are not yet in a place where you can get those needs met by others, they can still be met by you. Also, no single person is going to be able to meet all your needs, even if they wanted to. So it’s super helpful to be able to do this for yourself. Similar to validating the emotion, you can also meet the core need for yourself. After figuring out what you are feeling and validating that story and emotion, you can then ask yourself “What do you need from me right now?”

This could be, a need to be heard and comforted. It could be they need to feel valued and listened to. When they say no, they need to know that you are going to respect that no, and not override it with your yes. It could be that they just need you to sit with them in what they’re feeling. It could be doing an activity that helps them to re-regulate. Like taking a walk, doing something creative, or watching a tv show together.

More Connection = More Trust

Giving space for you to feel throughout big or little changes in life will help you to stay more connected and build trust with you. You’ll feel more safe in yourself, more confident in your decisions, and more capable of showing up to life with others.

It will feel easier the more you give yourself space to feel. You will feel more brave and more validated in life. You won’t be walking around with a crutch anymore, looking for someone else to help you heal you.

Giving yourself space to be seen and heard and valued by you is the most valuable gift you can give to yourself.

Much love sweet friend, this journey is hard but oh so good. I’m glad you are on it.

Thanks For Reading Friend

What was your favorite resource? Have you read any of these books or listened to any of the podcasts? Leave a comment and tell me what intrigued you the most! Also, If you’re looking for resources, I have a basic step-by-step guide here on how to unpack triggers and connect with your heart.

If you are wanting to learn how to process pain and want to start a healing process for yourself, I am offering one-on-one coaching sessions. These sessions will help in learning how to process pain in a healthy way that actually brings lasting change and self-confidence.

I’m also creating a course that goes into the depths of all this as well. The course will take you step-by-step in how to walk through a healing journey. You will get live group coaching calls, a community of support, and one-on-one coaching with me. Also, subscribe to my email list to get updates for when the course is launched! If you have questions about anything, please reach out! I would love to chat with you via email.You can email me at co*****@dy************.com with any questions you might have.